Green Highways 2
I love democracy. (I really do.) Unfortunately sometimes our elected officials do silly things like write silly laws. Already our highways and byways are a maze of regulation and convention. (For people learning to drive, it’s like learning a second language.) I worry that in the future politicians may try to turn our highway network into the Authoritarian Interstate System. And it will all be done for the sake of “economic savings,” “environmental protection,” or “the public’s safety.” (Applying spin is the true craft of a politician.) I sat down and tried to think like a politician and I came up with several ways to improve America’s roads.
-The Proper Fog-light Usage Act: Fog-lights are a favorite accessory for sports cars and SUVs. These low mounted lights provide greater visibility when you’re driving through a fog bank. Unfortunately there is a growing trend of drivers who use these supplementary lights during non-foggy conditions, either by gross negligence or a desire to show off their extra accessory to other drivers. These lights are quite powerful and are continuously drawing amps from the respective vehicles’ electrical system which is fed by an alternator powered by the engine, and adversely affecting the mileage efficiency. The improper use of fog-lights is estimated to waste 100 trillion million barrels of crude oil per second in the United States alone. With the passage of this act, local and federal highway officers will be authorized to pull over vehicles with fog-lights in use during “non-foggy conditions” as determined by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in real-time for each county in the United States. Additional funds of $100 billion will be allocated annually to NOAA to support this Act and it is anticipated it will create thirteen extremely geeky tech jobs.
-Automotive Color Correction Initiative: In an effort to combat rising fuel costs and to help constituents save money at the pump, lawmakers in several Southwest states are proposing legislation that will help “drivers make smarter decisions regarding the color of their vehicle.” Darker colors absorb more of the Sun’s energy than lighter colors which reflect that energy. On hot summer days a black car is going to absorb much more energy than the same model car with white paint. The black car’s air conditioner will need to work that much harder to maintain a comfortable temperature in the cabin. By instituting a “color tax” on new vehicles it is hoped that the individual will see greater fuel efficiency and money saved. For the environment it is hypothesized that the realized fuel savings will decrease the average distance polar bears will need to swim to find food.
-Remote Car Starter Ban: Experts agree that the remote car starter is currently the most overlooked enemy of the environment with regards to personal transportation. An appalling amount of green house gasses are released into the atmosphere for the sake of gluteal comfort. A few outspoken and ardent environmentalists hope the next generation of drivers will associate the illicit nature of remote car starters with that of meth labs.
-Dead Weight Checkpoints: Recent federally funded research has discovered that millions of vehicles on the highways are carrying excess weight. More precisely, dead weight is described as the portion of the vehicle weight which does not fall under the following categories:
1) Weight which contributes to the operation or safety of the vehicle
2) Weight which is associated with the human occupants (including clothing and personal effects on the person)
3) Weight of objects which are to be used at the destination of the journey
Sobriety Checkpoint personnel and equipment will be transitioned into daytime use as Dead Weight Checkpoints. The checkpoint officer will perform an initial visual scan of the interior of the vehicle before deciding if a more detailed assessment is prudent. A detailed assessment will include a manual search of the vehicle under the legal auspices of probable cause (i.e. there is reasonable belief that the driver has committed an environmental crime against Blue Whales). A trained and certified Dead Weight officer will select items deemed outside of the acceptable weight categories, and weigh these items independently to calculate a fine. Of course special permits will be made available to citizens for exceptional circumstances. All pets will need to be registered and given a “dead weight exception” collar.
