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I took my driving exam on July 20.  My birthday is June 1st.  I was sixteen for nearly two months without my license.  While my friends had made Driver’s Education their numero uno priority during junior year of high school, I had to defer until summer vacation because I was busy trying to distinguish myself academically by taking the extra college prep courses.  Did it pay off?  TBD.  Though I did finish college…eventually.  

But during those six weeks before my driving exam I was dialed in on acing that test and it was nearly all I could think about.  I think a good visual would be major leaguer Gary Sheffield up to bat, with his bat oscillating viciously behind him ready to unwind an immense force guided by those characteristic beady eyes that led one to believe that he was always on some psycho-stimulant.  My instrument would be a red 1999 Dodge Stratus (stick shift).  I am still proud to say that I aced both the practice and actual exam.  I was the only one in my class to accomplish this.

But things really hit home the day after I picked up my license.  I’m sure my parents were dreading it but I got in the car and drove down the driveway…by myself.  After a few miles I glanced at the empty passenger seat and truly went berserk.  It was a chaotic episode of expletives, gasps, and forehead slaps.  The next step in the evolution was to blast some Lenny Kravitz (“Fly Away”), roll down all the windows, and don my Foakleys.  I had arrived.  I was in complete control of over 3,000 lbs of metal on four wheels and it would go in any direction that I commanded.  

Unfortunately somewhere along the road of life driving loses it’s thrill to the drudgery of routine and responsibility.  But it doesn’t have to stay that way!  Driving can still be fun.  It just takes some planning and a positive attitude for a more serene and mature experience.  We live in a society nearly crazed on competition and it would suggest that the only way to have fun driving again is to go racing.  But what I’m talking about is a genuine and refined experience that can be cherished as a cultural pastime.  Something that a couple or a father and a son can enjoy together.  I then officially beckon for the revival of the leisure drive or Sunday driving.  And to help America get this back, I am highlighting a road that is under-appreciated and prime for such enjoyment.

I was recently in Rhode Island.  It’s the tiniest state in the U.S. and 30 miles south of the capital Providence is an island with a town called Newport.  This was the summer destination for the upper crust during the Gilded Age.  The fabulously wealthy needed summer homes so mansions were built on incredibly grand scales along the shore.  The main roadway for the southern coast of Newport is Ocean Drive.  

Ocean Drive is a fantastic road.  A speed limit of 25 mph prevents the scenery from flying by too quickly.  Though the gentle curves and hills still allow for gentle sensations of speed.  On a clear day you can start with a view of the two mile long Newport Bridge straddling Narragansett Bay which is usually teeming with sailboats of all sizes and configuration.  The rocky coastline is a favorite for recreational fisherman and their curious and canine best friends.  The waves crashing against the crags sends the unmistakable aroma of sea salt wafting over Ocean Drive.  (Constantly reminding me of my favorite flavor of potato chips.)

There are numerous beaches and some are highly exclusive.  The style of architecture for the residential properties run the gambit from old and awesome looking to modern and awesome looking.  On one bend in the road there is a parking area for people to stop and picnic or enjoy the scene.  Thanks to the consistent winds this spot is a favorite to fly kites.  And it is a unique thing to drive under dozens of kites.  I would rent a convertible just to accentuate this experience alone.

Finally at the end of Ocean Drive you make a right turn onto Bellevue Avenue which comprises the Bellevue Avenue Historic District.  The avenue has many of the mansions built by various captains of industry during the Gilded age (a period of unparalleled wealth and prosperity).  I’m not even going to begin to describe the grand scale of these mansions, but the aristocracy in the air is so palpable you could swear you had somehow wound up across the Atlantic in Versailles.

So there’s a lot of neat things to see that are sure to send an ordinary teenager’s eyes rolling from apathy.  Well America, it’s time to wake up and face our antipathy towards reality.  There are a lot of sources of influence out there that would rather have us watching TV all Saturday becoming aware of corporate America’s brands and products.  I was in Newport on Saturday and I went for a drive just for the pleasure of it.  My car wasn’t brand new, I didn’t look like Robert Redford, and I wasn’t trying to impress anyone.  I have a very pleasing image left in my mind of the sun setting behind a boat and an island that I know nothing about.  My imagination is still concocting fantastic anecdotes about who may have lived in one of the castles I saw.  And the sky was dotted with kites as I drove with the slightest of smiles.  That was my Saturday and I felt like I had arrived…again.

Left lane lingerers.  You know exactly what I am talking about.  These are the drivers who have chosen to ignore the cryptic highway signs that read “slower traffic keep right” or “keep right except to pass.”  It might be confusing if one considers the ambiguity of the keyword “right,” otherwise these signs might be interpreted as asking the driver to maintain correctness.  It’s actually confusing…

In 1956 President Eisenhower signed the Federal Aid Highway Act of 1956 into law.  Its purpose was to build over 40,000 miles of limited-access, two-lane highway.  With World War II still fresh on everyone’s mind the major rationale was to allow for swift movement of military personnel and equipment throughout the country in the event of another war.  (Minimum overpass clearances were set according to the dimensions of mobile rocket launchers.  Sweet.)  The Eisenhower Interstate System eventually grew into a role as the circulatory system for America’s commerce.  It also redefined how future generations would work and live, giving rise to suburbia.  Sweet.

Those original 40,000 miles had a minimum of two lanes in each direction.  One for traveling, and one for passing.  Let me reiterate: one lane is meant for traveling (the right lane), and the other lane is meant for passing (the left lane).  If a Peterbilt is hauling a bazillion tons of gravel up Donner Pass, you can safely pass at speed and you will not be delayed from satiating your blackjack addiction in Reno.  But after more than half a century there still exists some confusion to this traveling/passing convention.

Perhaps we could use some exemplary behavior to look up to.  We then need a country that is both highly ordered, organized and efficient.  That’s easy: Germany.  

The Autobahn is truly a wondrous automotive experience.  Honestly it puts America’s interstate system into a second tier.  Take the worst section of the Autobahn and I bet that it’s still higher quality than an average section of America’s highways.

The Autobahn is typically three lanes.  Lane three is used by trucks and underpowered subcompacts.  Lane two is for average traffic.  And lane one is for important, rich, and/or good-looking people.  This lane is nearly exclusive to high-end sports cars doing 100+ mph.  It can be dangerous to be doing anything less than 70 mph in this lane.  What I love about the German character is that the respect for order and efficiency allows no room for the ego on the Autobahn.  If a car is in lane one and a Porsche 911 is bearing down from behind, the Porsche only needs to flash the high-beams once and the first car will slip into lane two.  Simple.  No confusion.

But it’s not that simple back here across the pond.  Let’s explore some typical scenarios.

There is a lingerer in the left lane with a car approaching from behind at speed.  The first flash of the high-beam goes unheeded by the lingerer.  Then just as the overtaking car starts the lane change into the right lane, the lingerer does the same and an awkward dance is done as both cars sort out who is going where.  It’s highly dangerous, confusing, and the situation is easily avoided altogether.  I hate when this happens.

Now there is a stubborn lingerer in the left lane.  These are the drivers who regard lane one as the object of their personal automotive Manifest Destiny (Eisenhower was obviously thinking only of them.)  The overtaking car changes to the right lane and initiates a pass.  Just for spite the lingerer increases speed and the overtaking car is eventually blocked from passing by additional traffic in the right lane.  This is immature, and it happens all the time.  I hate when this happens.

We need Barack Obama to appoint German Prime Minister Angela Merkel as secretary for the Department of Transportation.  Hopefully she can bring some of that Autobahn order and inject it into our highway behavior.  Or maybe some negative reinforcing electroshock therapy for those left lane lingerers.  That sounds fun, possibly radical, but definitely prudent.  That will be change I can believe in.

It seems like every car now has the option of the built-in Global Positioning Systems or GPS.  In Europe these gadgets are more aptly named Sat Nav systems, short for satellite navigation.  Hundreds of miles above the Earth’s surface dozens of GPS satellites are in a perpetual orbital dance carefully orchestrated by the United States Air Force to ensure that every spot on the globe is continuously being irradiated with GPS signal.  The device in your hand is monitoring these signals and listens for only the four closest satellites.  By carefully measuring the time difference between the signals, your exact spot on the Earth (+/- 15 meters) is calculated easily with your basic MIT geometry.  But the end result is just two numbers (both with a lot of decimal digits), a latitude and a longitude.

These coordinates need reference…or a map.  Stored on the GPS device is a computerized map of all the roads you would ever need to drive on, and each section of road has an associated GPS coordinate.  When you turn your GPS on, it first calculates your coordinates before feeding those numbers to the map.  The map then decides which road you are on before displaying it on screen.  (Note: your GPS does not receive map information from the satellites.  If roads change or are newly built, you will not see them on your GPS screen unless you update the maps yourself.)

This is innovative technology.  If you type in a destination your GPS can find not only a feasible route, but the quickest route (thanks to E. Dijkstra).  Whether in downtown Manhattan or Hot Springs, AR you are only a fraction of a second away from a GPS satellite and directions to anywhere on Earth.

Use of this technology is approaching overkill though.  Everyday I pull into my parking lot at work and I can spot someone fumbling with a suction-cupped GPS system and power cord.  What if your boss spots you doing this.  What message does this convey?  “Good morning boss, found my way to work today…but with a little help.  Aren’t you glad I’m part of the team!”  I bet that 99.3% of all driving is on roads we know like the back of our hand.  But there are those out there who need to fill some narcissistic void or satisfy a ridiculous tech fetish by being guided by a 7″ LCD screen narrating their every merge and turn in a British accent.

One of the latest innovations for GPS is to have access to real time traffic data.  On the highway you may see random loops cut into the pavement.  These are “loop detectors” and can count vehicles on the road whenever the metal from your car passes over them and influences the electrically charged wire under the road.  Measure the same vehicle just a few yards apart and a computer can discern traffic speed before piping it to your on-board GPS device which can plot a detour.  This sounds fantastic but I have never been in a car which has miraculously circumvented gridlock.  Traffic happens and everyone is in the same boat during the rush hours.  (Honestly, if there is anyone out there who has benefitted from real-time traffic data I would love to hear about it, and why you thought it saved time.)

A computer is only as smart is the user.  I have a very self-effacing example.  A friend and I were headed to The Middle of Nowhere, ME and had plugged the address into the onboard GPS system.  Directions were calculated but were annoyingly not the best route (too many rural roads, not enough highway).  After about seven minutes of fumbling through non-obvious menus, the correct route was finally displayed.  We exited the Interstate and merged onto a state highway.  A few minutes later we were commanded to turn onto a more residential looking road.  With every passing mile the road condition gradually deteriorated.  It felt like we were descending through Dante’s nine classes of rural roads.  We had to stop when the path became an overgrown snowmobile trail.  It wasn’t until this point that we even considered the GPS to be wrong.  How could it be wrong, it’s a computer!  We fumbled through the GPS menus and finally discovered our error, at some point it had accidentally been set to “shortest distance.”  Looking to come away from the experience with something positive, we now knew that the GPS contains snowmobile trails…excellent.

This next bit is for the über-paranoid or fans of Science Fiction.  In my opinion the prevailing intellectual trend in the world is for the general population to want to think less and less, while having computers do the mundane tasks (such as finding directions).  And maybe someday the majority of cars will have built-in GPS systems.  What if some IBM chess-playing super-duper-computer suddenly became ‘aware’, hacked into everyone’s GPS systems, then instructed everyone to drive off a cliff at the same time.  When I imagine terrorist threats to the homeland this is what scares me the most.  It will be known as “The Infamous Lemming Disaster of 2029.”  You heard it here first at philosophyonwheels.com.