The Highway Persona
Everybody has their morning routine. Wake up, down some caffeine, shower, put on some nice clothes and style the hair. It’s all for the sake of improving one’s persona for the outside world. Nobody wants to be seen for who they actually are. If we didn’t care we would be a nation of Homer Simpsons with hair that screams Chaos Theory. Of course these personas extend to our lives on the road and now I want to take an anthropological view of them by sharing some of my favorites.
First we’ll start with a tutorial. Imagine yourself behind the wheel. Stick your left arm straight out (don’t be shy) and grab the top of the wheel. Now lean 45 degrees to the right and place your elbow on the console/arm rest. Now squint your eyes slightly while staring down anyone to your left hand side. Bonus points if you’re wearing a hat very low over your eyes. If you were able to follow these directions, you should now be able to “blend in” on any southern California freeway. I call this ‘12 o’clock casual.’ In my opinion it’s the easiest way to not look uncool while driving. It lets other drivers know that you can’t be bothered to take driving 80 mph seriously, and that you’re probably paying more attention to the stereo. These drivers attract lots of beautiful women…
How about mothers in minivans. I really do have respect for the family on the road. It’s hard juggling all that’s demanded to navigate today’s highways. And on top of that, imagine trying to babysit toddlers at the same time! Some of these newer baby seats have a convex mirror attached to the seat front so the driver can somehow maintain eye contact with the kids. The parent is looking at the reflection of the rear-view mirror, and then the reflection of a fish-eyed mirror to see their child. (This reminds me of all those lasers and mirrors in Real Genius.) It’s a miracle in human optical recognition. But seriously, I’ll yield more readily to minivans on the highway. The point is these parents are so busy they barely have time to shape their persona. I then declare minivan mothers as the most un-phony drivers on America’s roads.
Professionals. She or he has the smartly styled hair, sharp clothing, and is always trying to look like they know exactly what they’re doing. Sometimes these kind come with the Bluetooth headset installed in the ear which allows them to discuss how many basis points the LIBOR moved last night. (The wannabes instead schedule their ping pong games.) The mindset of the professional is to always get ahead. You exist on the road for their sole purpose of passing you (either on the left or the right). They have an ocular disorder which automatically adds twenty to any speed limit sign. (It’s not their fault that they speed.) The professional has two modes on the highway: “in a rush,” and “f*@k I’m late.” They may even resort to keeping their high-beams on in the left lane to intimidate anyone moving slower. (Don’t do this.) My advice to the average driver when they see the professional approaching in the rear-view mirror is to let them do their thing, just be careful not to get sucked into their aerodynamic wake as you are passed. My words for the professional: good job running the world and keep it up.
There’s nothing wrong with expressing yourself on the road. Just make sure you make good choices. Sometimes the irony gets lost and is interpreted as just plain inadequacy.
